(Note: I know you’re a smart human, but this is written in satire.)

Do not fear, your goal-setting coach is here, to help make sure you miss the mark, in whatever direction you steer. It’s nearly the new year. This is the most quintessential time to set goals and then entirely miss the mark. What a fun pastime. I am here to make sure that you miss the mark, just like you did last year, and the year before, and the year before.

You don’t actually want to achieve your goals, do you?! It’s a heck of a lot of work and determination. Plus, if you really wanted to achieve your goals, you’d be smartest to put a little skin in the game by signing up for a program, a gym or working with a coach that will help hold you accountable. BUT you have $6 lattes to purchase every morning before work, so why would you want to invest in a coach instead?

To make sure that you DON’T achieve your new year’s resolution in the upcoming year, let’s talk about some tactics. (If you’re one of those crazy ones who does actually want to make change, do the opposite of the points below 😉 )

1. Make sure to set super lofty goals

Set goals that feel entirely out of reach. The bigger the better. And certainly don’t bother to break your big goals down into bite-sized pieces. Try to tackle the entire lofty new year’s resolution right from the get-go. January 1 it’s game on!

2. Make your goals really vague

The best example of this being, “I want to get healthier.” Feel free to steal this idea if you’d like. The more specific you are with your goal, the more likely you are to actually achieve it. That ain’t the goal sista!!

3. Entirely avoid determining your “why”

Please don’t waste your time sitting down to consider why you actually want to accomplish your chosen goal. It won’t do you any good to find the emotional root of why you want to create change in your life. Instead, charge straight away into your goal without giving this any thought.

4. Don’t tell anyone about your goal

No one needs to know what you are spending a major chunk of your time and mental energy on. They really don’t care. Without telling anyone about your goal, you get to willpower your way through the good days and the bad. How fun!

5. Avoid any sort of support system

If your goal is health focused (it likely is, if you’re like the majority of the American population) do NOT seek any sort of accountability system. Don’t join a small group program, don’t join a gym with a friend and most certainly don’t seek out a coach like myself. Remember… you don’t actually want to see results. (If you’re one of those crazy ones actually looking to make change, consider checking out my New Decade, New You Small Group Virtual Course – 10 weeks of coaching for just $199!)

If you’re looking for a little advice that is not written in satire, feel free to check out this article on “My MOST Common Homework Assignment for Clients.”